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Our Stories, Our Voices: Laquilla Coleman

Written By: Kenny S April 25, 2010 One Comment

Blogger Laquilla Coleman

Our Stories, Our Voices is a blog series written by the youth for other youth about issues they have had to deal with in their lives.

At the end of the day I ask myself, I wonder what it’s like? To be Bisexual or heck even Lesbian. When I say that I’m a straight ally a part of me says but you are totally checking out that chick sitting on the couch wondering what her parents would think of you and her together. It’s a very confusing thing/time for me especially since I’m in college and no one or nothing can stop me!
Well, I feel that way sometimes lol. I want to be able to be true to myself because some people don’t even know that I’m an ally if I was bi or lesbian, I don’t think anyone would know. I claimed I was bisexual a while back for about a month or four. It felt for lack of a better word, right. Then I got smacked with the fist of God and I completely “changed”. On the outside I totally changed but in my mind, in my ? I felt as if I was lying to myself. I knew that I liked girls, I knew that I fantasized about them all the time.
For a while I thought maybe the environment that I’m around is making me think these thoughts so I tore myself away from my dear friends of the LGBT community for about two years as I battled with my heart what’s right for me and for my morals. I questioned so much that I became depressed, it harmed me more than it helped me. So I decided well maybe God will let me be an ally because I strongly believe in equal rights. I felt a little better but I still can’t shake these thoughts that I have of being with girls. I think I scared myself into not talking to girls or trying to get to know a potential girl. I have no idea what to say or do. It’s different with a guy I suppose.
This is totally confusing! I have had a fling with one girl and dated another for about 4 months. I felt alive, I felt strong, I thought that I found what I wanted. When all that was over, I felt weird, like a normal kid (funny right?). I don’t want you guys to think that I want to be different or I think that being lesbian or bi is just a phase for me. I thought about girls when I was in 6th grade. I figured since I wasn’t dating a guy that I’m going to date a girl. I convinced a friend of mine to get naked so I could see what she looks like. After that, I didn’t think about girls until freshman year and I dated this girl, she was great. She smelled like beef and strawberries and she had me in the palm of her hand. She always made me a Mexican style breakfast every morning and we always went to the Galleria to hang out after school. My religion and spirituality was failing and I felt like a monster for letting that happen. So when I had my fling, I tore her in two telling her that this could never happen since my religion won’t allow me.
I was soo unhappy but I realized that it was for the betterment of myself. I want to be true to myself while still having my close relationship to God and I always question, can that be possible? And if I decided that I’m bi or lesbian am I prepared to lose the support of my minister and his family and my friends? It’s heartbreaking because I love them so much and they are like my 3rd family twice removed, they have been there through thick and thin so lying to them is not an option. Besides, I’m a sucky liar. Then, the words of my grandma echoes in my head, “if you have to think twice about doing something, then you shouldn’t do it at all.” that throws me off in so many ways because if I look back when I considered dating someone, my mind went right in the middle of a guy and a girl. *sigh* this is a gigantic headache that I have brought upon myself!
Ha Ha Ha Ha whew this is getting too serious! Joke time: nah, I don’t have one.
I don’t want me being bisexual lose my chances of dating a guy as well as a girl but then again they probably weren’t worth it then huh? I don’t want me being lesbian hinder me from getting a job. The question: “if you don’t want to go through all of that then why even consider being bi or lesbian?” I always talk myself in circles because there is always another answer, another way to look at it. I need to stop b.s.’n around and decide if the sweet and tender voice of someone calling my name that sends butterflies to my stomach and curves of a woman fitting oh so right in my arms is worth losing friends and loved ones? Is being called a “carpet muncher” going to effect how I see myself? Is hiding who I really am help my case of telling others to be true to themselves? Do I want all the goods and none of the bad things?
Lots of things to consider. Now that I don’t have to deal with paying rent at the age of 17 while trying to pay for my mom’s HIV meds, I can really start to focus on myself. I didn’t know where to start but now this subject has popped up plenty of times. I felt like venting my emotions because everyone sees the girl who is so sure of herself and is always cracking jokes or hugging people. I’m not sure if I’m ready to understand life yet. My mind is just telling me to “choose” a side but my heart is letting me know that I can take my time. It’s hard to focus on yourself when your whole life you focused on others. I feel selfish and rude and sometimes just grumpy! This is a long road that some of us choose. It will be the most successful though!