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The Past Is the Past by Sydney Aslynn Green

Written By: Kenny S December 10, 2010 No Comment

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Sydney Aslynn Green, and I am a transsexual woman. I’ve lived full time ever since I left Texas a few months ago.

It was a perfect storm that I never expected. I came out to my friends and family, got on hormones, and suddenly I have an acceptance letter to the University of British Columbia arriving in my mailbox. Because my father is from Kamloops, a small town to the north of my college town of Kelowna, I was given full citizenship to Canada a couple years ago. Though I will have to endure the impending TSA groping on my way back and forth I still have opportunities thrust upon me that I intend to take full advantage of. So my plane ticket was bought, my bags were packed, and three or so months ago I arrived in this small town to get a good education and eventually get my hormones and surgery paid for by the Canadian healthcare system. The luck I have had is not lost on me.

I have never been away from my family and friends for this long before in my life. I’ve had many hard moments that I knew, even as a child, I’d have to experience. Seeing my parents drive away was the hardest thing I have ever had to watch. Though I have very good friends up here and am doing well on my own, there is this hole in my heart that will take years to fill. Making completely new connections to replace those that I’ve become so accustomed to over many years has been difficult. It is a challenge I’ve never faced before.

Because of this struggle, I have become fixated on my past. There is this huge disconnect between my life before transition, and my life afterwards, and my struggle comes from reconciling those two people: the boy I was, and the girl I am now. A lot of this came to a head when Trans Day of Remembrance came along, and I was to sit down and watch “Ma Vie en Rose”, a film I’d been avoiding for a long time. I’d never cried so hard, I could hardly catch my breath between harsh, fitful bursts of uncontrollable sobbing and I had to walk outside to spare the rest of the group. In that moment I realized that I needed to focus my attention on the here and now, let the past be the past or this feeling I have might destroy me. It’s not just about missing my friends and family, it’s about missing a moment in time that you can never get back. It’s about wishing you could do things differently, while knowing you never really can.

Before I flew up here I called the pride center at UBC Okanagan and managed to talk to a girl named Marissa. She runs the pride center here on campus, and now she is a good friend of mine, one I have felt safe in confiding these dark feelings inside of me. She is a fine arts student, and she decided to paint a portrait of me for one of her projects. On TDOR I saw the finished product, and I even gave the picture it’s current title, “anXietY”. I’ve been thinking about that portrait a lot lately, and I’ve come to realize, that there are people here, who despite only knowing me a short time, care about me. As much as I miss YFT, as much as I miss my high school friends, and as much as I miss the entire landscape of Dallas, TX, things that fill me with the indescribable feeling we only know as “nostalgia”, I know that I will be okay.

I guess what I’m trying to say with all of this, is don’t regret the past, cherish those moments and live for the here and now. The past is the past, so live and let live. As corny as that sounds, it’s the truth.