Thoughts - Courtney Brown

I lie in this bed and think about the memories we've had together.  
Its different thinking and reminiscing about them when you arent on the other line of the phone.  
But as I lie here and I remember that perfect night in April, a single tear rolls down my cheek.  
The hand that use to hold yours, wipes it away so no one will see it (only stuffed animals are looking).  
I tell myself, "Pull it together, you let this one get away and now theres nothing you can do" 
but I try to convince myself that we'll be back together soon.  
Back to that night, the night we shared our first kiss, that night... wow... took my breath away.  
I could then say I knew what love truly felt like because before I had never felt it.
	
As I concentrate on these memories, others rapidly pour into my head. 
The nights at the hotel, the car, dinner, movies; all such great time that use to make me smile as I remembered them, now only bring tears.  
Not tears of joy, for I dont cry those very often, tears of loss, tears of something huge missing from me, from my life.  
I always wonder if this thing missing could be replaced but I then I figure out that this missing object was my heart.  
My heart was ripped out of me, not because she wanted to hurt me but because she was my first true love, and she got away.
	
As I think about this, another tear follows the path the other left.  I let this one hit the paper leaving a mark.  
"Nothings ever going to be the same again."  I sigh and say it again.  
"Our lives are changing and its stupid to live in a 'dream land' " I say in my head, remembering what youve told me.

"Ive lost her, my first true love."  She says we can be friends but even friendships slip away.  What am I going to do with my life?  
This is the only question I ask now because when I was with you, everything was perfect.  Perfection.  
I can't and won't ever forget your smile, your beautiful smile, your eyes, they say so much even though your not talking, your touch, 
reassuring you'll never hurt me in anyway.  All took my breath away.  
Remembering them brings another tear to my eye and I hear myself saying once again, "Ive lost her, my first true love."
Its been a little over a month and I guess I still haven't realized that I can't tell you the phrases I'm so use to telling you (they've become habit) 
but something deep down inside of me still wants to tell you my feelings about you.  
Its weird how you can make me do things I might not normally do.  
I've grown up these past two years with you in my life in some sort of relationship together 
and now our relationship is falling apart (even our friendship).  
In other words, we never talk and its killing me.